


The Guilt's Servant

by FiveLeafClover



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Guilt, Panic Attacks, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: The date: October 4th. In 2014, a car was sideswiped and a paramedic lost his life while on duty. In 2015, a young doctor is still tearing himself up over the crash. He was driving the van. He blamed himself. That day only brings demons, but is the guilt's servant beyond help?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 07/06/18]
> 
> Hello! I have a short story here based on the first year anniversary of the crash. This is three chapters long, and should be updated tomorrow and the day after. I hope you enjoy! Would you mind leaving your thoughts on it? Thank you.

Ethan rolled over onto his side, letting a couple of tears fall onto the pillow below him. He felt dreadful. A year previously, on today's exact date, a Holby van got sideswiped. Ethan was driving, and he blamed himself. He thought he'd managed to forget all about the crash. Apart from the scar on his chest, that is. But Jeff died. He died on duty, because of that crash. Obviously his wife, Dixie, was distraught. She'd taken to blaming a fellow colleague Ash because Jeff was in the van after getting Ash out. Obviously it wasn't Ash's fault.

It was Ethan's fault.

If he hadn't been driving, if he looked properly, if he knew the way... it was his fault. Cal knew this - he was the only one who knew - and had managed to semi-convince Ethan out of this state of mind last year. It had taken quite a long time, especially because Ethan's confidence took quite a knock after the crash. He had to make all the right decisions, get every move right to keep any patient he had alive and well. That would be enough to tip anyone off their game.

But a year on brings back everything wrong. All the things Ethan could have changed to stop Dixie from losing her husband.

Ethan heard his alarm go off and stopped the constant ringing noise. He almost wanted to take the day off work - avoid the place he almost died in in a year previously, but that would be suspicious. It was like missing school on the one day you had an exam. Everyone knew why you skipped school, and the teacher would be on your back 24/7 afterwards.

Ethan practically rolled out of bed and started to get ready, dreading what the day's events would lead to. He really didn't want to go into work and have to treat patients in the state of mind he was in. He looked down at his bare chest and ran a finger across the scar on his left side. How much he wanted to get rid of the constant reminder. He thought he could forget all about the crash, but he saw that mark every single day. He'd learnt to ignore it over the past year, it almost didn't phase him, but now it was like floodlights. And he really wished it wasn't.

* * *

"You not hungry today, bro?" Cal asked cheerfully as he finished off his toast. Cal had noticed Ethan sleeping in a bit so decided he would make his brother some breakfast (and he hadn't neglected to notice the date, either). All he received was a short shake of a head from Ethan, who looked drained of energy. "You know," he lowered his voice and leaned closer to his little brother, "you don't have to go in today, Ethan." He said sensitively. Ethan looked up.

"Why wouldn't I go in?" He asked with fake confusion.

"I'm not stupid, Ethan. I know what the date is today," Cal mentioned, placing a hand on his brother's which the younger immediately shrugged off.

Ethan leaned back in his chair, trying and failing to look relaxed. "It doesn't matter what the date is, Cal. I am as fit to work as I was yesterday." He smiled. "Speaking of work, we're going to be late. Do you want to drive, or shall I?" Cal looked closely at his brother. There was definitely a physical change in his appearance.

He had bags under his eyes, his eyes were missing their usual glint and sparkle, he looked drained and he was slumped in his chair. He wasn't the usual Ethan at all.

"I'll drive," Cal said. He could have sworn Ethan let out a breath of relief and looked slightly less pale. He remembered Ethan practically collapsing with worry after getting out the taxi last year after being discharged. Cal had to try and persuade Ethan to try driving again, and eventually he found the courage to. But an exact year after probably wasn't the right time to get back behind the wheel of a car.

* * *

Ethan could feel his brother occasionally looking at him, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get to work, get through the day, go home, and then sleep off the rest - knowing that he would have made it through the day without anything going wrong.

But that just didn't seem possible.

He knew there would be reminders of the crash. Dixie for one. He hoped he wouldn't see her - he would just feel even more sorts of horrible. She lost her husband a year ago, and she would probably be emotional or upset. If Ethan saw her, he knew he would only make it worse. Ethan still believed, deep down, she blamed him. Cal had tried to convince him out of this, and even though Dixie openly blamed Ash for Jeff's death, Ethan couldn't help but think that was a cover-up. Ethan, himself, crashed the car.

Then he felt the car speed up, and saw the miles per hour dial rise. He started to feel his chest get tighter as he wondered why Cal was going so fast. If Cal was going so fast, he might not be concentrating on the road, he could crash the car - just like Ethan did. He could die, and so could Ethan. They would crash, and Ethan really didn't want that to happen.

"Cal..." his voice was strained, "please slow down." He pleaded, gripping onto the sides of his seat as he struggled to contain tears of fear. He noticed Cal shoot a worried glance at him, then check the speedometer.

"We're not going fast, Ethan." Cal informed him.

"We are, Cal... please... slow down..." Ethan swallowed nervously as his eyes pricked with tears. He had to contain them, but he didn't think he could. Everything seemed a blur and his chest was getting tighter.

The car started slowing down and he realised Cal had pulled over. Cal unbuckled his seatbelt, got out of the car and went to Ethan's door. Ethan watched it open then looked at Cal - scared.

"Come outside, Eth," he suggested soothingly. "Come on."

Ethan slowly unbuckled his seatbelt, shakily climbing out of the car. He practically fell onto Cal as his legs turned to jelly. He held onto him as if his life depended on it. He felt Cal stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort to him.

"It will be okay, Ethan." He whispered, "it'll all be fine."

Ethan heard the background noise of sirens and clung to Cal - remembering that horrid noise he heard last year. He sobbed into Cal's chest, gripping onto him like a life-line. His breaths were coming in hiccuping gasps as he tried and failed not to cry. "Why where you going to fast?" He asked slowly, the question being broken up every so often as he tried to breathe deeply.

Ethan felt his shoulders being pushed back as his brother looked into his eyes and held his arms. "Ethan, I wasn't going very fast. It just seemed fast to you, alright?" Cal raised his eyebrows.

"B-but... it was so... so fast..." Ethan stumbled, breathing still shallow.

Cal shook his head, "trust me, Ethan. It wasn't, alright. Come here." Ethan lent up against his brother again and cried.

* * *

By the time Ethan had calmed down enough to get back into the car, they were twenty minutes late. Cal had explained how it wasn't fast and how Ethan was just scared, and Ethan accepted this - though now, Ethan was refusing to talk to Cal. Cal suspected it was because he had already given into whatever he didn't want to give into.

Cal had noticed Ethan trying to be strong, trying to forget about it - and that had broken before they'd even reached work. Although Ethan was reluctant to get back into the car and reluctant to go to work, Cal had managed to persuade him.

Now all he had to do was get Ethan  _out_  of the car.

"Come on, Ethan. You have to go in." Ethan was leaning with his head against the window, tear tracks still on his cheeks, his eyes still red and puffy. "Talk to me, at least. Tell me what you're thinking."

Ethan just sniffed.

"Please, Ethan. You can't shut me out forever. If you tell me now, it will be easier going in there knowing I've got your back if something goes wrong."

"Even  _you_  think I'm going to fail." Through the blankness of his voice, Cal could tell there was a hint of hurt there.

"No, Ethan. Of course I don't. I'm just saying  _if_. I bet I'll do something wrong today - like flirting with a patient unknowingly in front of Mrs Beauchamp." Ethan laughed slightly. "I just want the day to run smoothly for you, Ethan."

Ethan looked at Cal and Cal could see how worried he actually was. "But what if I do mess up... and someone else dies..."

"Someone else?" Ethan looked down. "You mean Jeff." Cal said in realisation. "His death was a tragic accident, Eth. I thought you knew this."

"I thought I did too." Ethan said brokenly, rubbing his hand under his running nose. "But I keep thinking about it... and I know what I could have done... to... to stop it."

Cal slung an arm around Ethan, and was surprised when he didn't shrug it off. "Right, we're going to go in there, face whatever the day throws at us, then go to the pub after work, get hammered, and turn up to work with a hangover and a couple of girlfriends in the morning." Cal decided. By the way Ethan looked at him, Cal could tell he wasn't sure whether he was being serious or not, and to be honest, Cal, himself, didn't know either.

He could practically pin-point the moment his little brother slipped a mask in place and put on a brave face. Cal could, obviously, see right through it - but Ethan put up a good fight.

"Ready?"

"As I'll ever be," Ethan replied honestly.

* * *

He felt sick.

Dixie was bringing in a patient, and Ethan was leading on this case. But he couldn't. He was following the trolley, looking at the patient and looking at Dixie and Iain, and giving the overall impression that he was listening. He wasn't though, and despite the problems this would cause, he didn't care. He was too focused on the fact that his patient was the driver of the car accident, and it seemed he wasn't the only one affected.

Dixie looked pale and worn out, and despite Ethan wanting to help her, he didn't even feel confident in himself.

Ethan blew out a breath. He didn't listen to a word the paramedics said - and that meant he couldn't treat his patient.

He really needed to treat this patient. He watched as Dixie and Iain left, and felt rather than saw Dixie stroke his arm before they departed. Then Ethan watched his patient. He was slowly deteriorating and Ethan didn't know what to do. He didn't know what was wrong, he didn't dare look at the monitors, and he realised everyone had gone quiet.

They were looking at him for instructions.

Instructions he just couldn't give.


	2. Chapter 2

He honestly didn't know what to do. The people also in charge of this man's care where looking at him standing, staring blankly at the patient. What was he meant to do? If he treated this patient without examining him, he could make a fatal error and he would die under his care - not to mention he would probably be suspended, but if he didn't, he could die anyway. The main problem was that he didn't know the man's current condition. It was obvious he wasn't conscious, but what was his GCS? He could easily look at his monitor for his basic stats, but Ethan didn't think he could bear looking at them realising that he could be dying.

What was he meant to do in this situation? He'd never been in something like this before. His mind had never been this clouded over. He guessed it was because of all his worries and fears and guilt were piling up and creating just one big problem that seemed to overwhelm him beyond he could even comprehend.

"Dr Hardy?" He heard Robyn's voice echo throughout his mind. He had to try and treat this patient - he doubted anyone else would be available. "Dr Hardy?" She repeated. "What do you want done?"

Ethan glanced towards the patient properly, scanning his body. His vision was blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He promised himself he wouldn't cry - he never usually cried. There was never any reason for him to show the extreme emotion. This day just seemed to get on top of him, to weigh him down. The patient was the driver of a car accident - just like he was. He could die, or someone else could die.

If Ethan heard of anyone dying today, he was sure it would tip him over the edge. And he wasn't certain he could climb back up.

He swallowed back the lump forming in his throat and tried to blink away tears. He had to do this. He had to push Jeff out of his mind, the situation that caused this patient to end up in the ED out of his mind.

That was a point, he didn't even know the patient's name.

He faced Robyn. "Right, can we get some bloods sent off," that was the most logical thing he could think of right now, "and get Mr...?"

"...Davidson." Robyn informed him slowly.

"Okay, let's book Mr Davidson in for a head and neck CT as well."

"Head and neck are fine, Ethan." Robyn smiled weakly at him and Ethan trembled. There was no collar on him, and he wasn't on a spinal board. He was so stupid.

"Right... er... um... okay..." he stumbled, unsure of how to continue, "maybe it would be best to get Dr Hanna... I... er... don't feel good." It wasn't a complete lie. He didn't feel good - but not in the way he implied. No, it was more he felt so stupid and weak and guilty and the memories of the crash a year ago were haunting him.

"Dr Hardy?!" Robyn called, but Ethan was already out of the door.

* * *

Dixie was missing Jeff terribly, but she knew his death wasn't anybody's fault, and Jeff wanted to die doing what he loved - not some "boring old death in a bed" - as he put it. In a way, she was glad he died while being a hero, because Jeffery Collier was a hero. She smiled at the thought. She had originally blamed Ash, because he was last out of the van, but Dixie realised Jeff really was just slow getting out the back of it. No one was to blame.

But last year, when Caleb Knight came to her asking if she blamed his brother, she was shocked. After delving a little deeper, it seemed Ethan had some guilt trapped inside of him and blamed himself for the crash and Jeff's death because he was driving. Dixie had suggested talking to him, but Cal said against it because his confidence had already taken a knock, and seeing Jeff's wife might tip him.

Dixie had then explained to Cal, in great detail, about how she didn't blame anyone, and she hoped he could fix the guilt pit that Ethan was stuck in.

Cal had come to her later on explaining how he had managed to help Ethan, and Dixie felt a lot better knowing no one blamed themselves for Jeff's death. Jeff would never have wanted people spending their time blaming themselves over his death.

But when Dixie noticed a certain young doctor make his way out of Resus, trembling, she decided she needed to have a word. She had lost her husband, and she was getting on with everything, but Ethan had nearly died - a scar to prove it - and he did originally blame himself, not to mention he lost faith in his own abilities as a doctor for a while.

She watched him go to the staffroom and followed after him, making sure to trail behind slightly. She watched as he sat on the sofa and rubbed his hands up and down his face. She walked in slowly and noticed how he jumped at the opening of the door.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

"It's alright." He said, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling. Dixie tentitively sat next to him.

"Are you alright?" She asked, smiling gently as he turned his head to look at her.

"Yeah. You? It must be hard for you." He picked out.

"I'm alright. Jeff wouldn't have wanted anybody to be upset over his death," Dixie said, trying to reassure him sensitively. Ethan didn't say anything, he just turned his head up again. Dixie placed a hand on his knee. "You know it wasn't your fault." If Ethan was shocked she guessed, he didn't show it. Instead, a tear fell from his eye. "He died doing what he loved. It was unexpected, Ethan. He wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself still."

Ethan shrugged. "It's fine," he lied.

Dixie decided Cal would probably be a better person here. She just needed him to know what Jeff would have wanted him to know.

"There are drinks in the pub after work, Ethan. You coming?"

Ethan shrugged again.

"Okay, well I hope to see you there... it's what Jeff would have wanted." With that, she walked out, intending on getting Cal to help.

* * *

Ethan twisted his body so he was laying down on the sofa. His small talk with Dixie didn't do anything to help matters. She'd just made him feel worse (which he had realised actually was possible). He was already feeling guilty about Jeff, and even though he wouldn't want him to feel guilty, Ethan felt even more guilty because it wasn't what Jeff wanted yet he was guilty. He knew he shouldn't have been feeling this way - it had been a year, after all. People always said that the first year after someone dies is the hardest because it's the first year you'd be without them since you've known them. Ethan never thought everything would come back to him - he was usually such a calm and collected person, rarely breaking down like he had been doing. But it did come back to him, it hit him hard.

It had only come back to him in the last week. He thought he'd be able to control the guilt he'd buried and hoped it would never come back, but it seemed to slap him in the face. Added with the return of the nightmares, the sleepless nights when he gave up on sleep, working in the place he nearly died, and seeing his colleagues that he put in danger last year - it all piled on top of him. He was kind of glad Tess and Ash weren't at the ED - less people to feel he'd let down and nearly killed.

Why was his head in such a mess?

He thought back to his patient who was probably dead by now, unless Zoe was found in time and had taken over perfectly. He hoped she wouldn't have to find him and have a word with him, Ethan doubted whether that would go down well. He did say he wasn't feeling too good, so maybe she'd leave him be? Hopefully, anyway.

He closed his eyes and hoped to sleep. No one would disturb him then, and he could at least try and catch up on a few hours of sleep he'd missed. Although you could never technically catch up on sleep - you'd just sleep more - he knew sleeping right now would distract him from the world around him. Maybe the nightmares would leave him be.

_It seemed a good day. The sun wasn't at it's highest (it was October, after all), but it was a nice day. Ethan was driving, there weren't many cars around. Thank goodness - if there were, he would have to speed up, and he couldn't right now considering they didn't know where to go. Ethan had suggested using a sat-nav a couple of times, but Queen Connie had declined. Lily was in the back, trying to direct him, but she didn't know where to direct him to._

_Should he pull over? Was there any need? He couldn't decide._

_Then there was something out of the corner of his eye, a dark object of sorts... it was coming closer... he could do nothing to react... it crashed into them... there were screams... so many screams... then darkness... then the light again._

_Suddenly there was someone next to him, telling him that everyone in the car had died. That Cal had died... but Cal wasn't in the car. But he was apparently, maybe Ethan had just forgotten._

_Then there were people blaming him... taunting him. He was to blame. He crashed the car and so many people had lost their lives because of it._

He woke up with a start, tears streaming down his face.

* * *

Cal wished he'd have gotten away sooner. His patient needed him though, and he had to spend more time with her. When Dixie had approached him expressing concerns about his brother, all Cal wanted to do was run to the staffroom and hold Ethan in his arms. They never usually were very physical with each other, but the day already got off to a bad start on the journey to work, and Cal could barely imagine the state Ethan would be in now. He kept trying to get away from his patient as quickly as possible, and was more than relieved when she was finally discharged and he could check on his brother.

Cal walked swiftly to the staffroom and flung open the door. Ethan appeared to be sleeping peacefully, and Cal allowed his mouth to twitch up into a smile. Ethan thought he didn't notice the sleepless nights, but Cal had heard every whimper, scream, and sob come from his brother's room at night. He was bound to get nightmares, he did last year and it was inevitable they would return on the first anniversary. Cal had considered waking Ethan up, but had learnt from experience that waking someone up during a nightmare would lead them to be confused. It did help to comfort them, but Cal let his brother be. He didn't think Ethan would like the fact Cal knew about the nightmares anyway. There had been a couple of times when Cal had sat on Ethan's bed, soothing his little brother out of the nightmare withiout waking him. It hurt to hear his brother in so much emotional pain but know you couldn't do anything about it.

Then he heard whimpering coming from Ethan.

Cal looked around and shut the staffroom door behind him, before he made his way to kneel beside the couch.

Cal gulped when he noticed the whimpering becoming louder, and Ethan flinching and trembling in his sleep. It was another nightmare. Cal half considered not waking him up, but they were at work, in a not-so-private staffroom. Waking him up would be the best thing.

He stroked his brother's hair off of his sweaty forehead, whispering words of comfort and reassurance to him, making sure he never stopped talking, making sure Ethan would wake up from the clutches of this obviously terrible dream.

What Cal wasn't expecting was the abruptness of which Ethan woke. He sat bolt upright with tears flowing freely out of his eyes.

Cal swiftly sat next to him and brought him into his chest, allowing Ethan to bury his head into Cal's shoulder, sobbing.

"It's okay, Ethan. It was just a dream. You're safe."

"No... but... but... you died... everyone in the car died... I was driving... everyone blamed me... it's my fault Cal!" He cried, stumbling over his words. Cal shook his head in dread. It sounded as if Ethan's real life sadness and guilt decided to present itself in the form of an absolutley awful dream.

"It's alright, Eth. I'm okay, everyone else is okay." He reassured his brother.

Ethan's crying stopped for a second.

"Jeff isn't."

* * *

His chat with Cal had been interesting. Once Cal had reassured him that it was only a dream, he had continued to try and take away the guilt and sadness that lingered in Ethan's mind. Ethan just sat in silence for most of it, and Cal had, in the end, given up. Well, he had patients to treat, but Ethan could tell how much Cal was done with him. It had taken so long for Ethan to get back on his feet after the crash, and he was now back at square one... maybe square two (if that even was a thing).

He wished there was a pill. A magic pill that would make everything better. Ethan knew there was no such thing, but he wished, and oh did he wish, there was.

He'd taken to walking around the ED, avoiding Connie and Zoe, but observing the life of a hospital. He'd manage to divert patients that approached him to other people and was just casually strolling around. He'd also managed to miraculously stop crying and make it look like he didn't have the guilt of a thousand men resting on his shoulders.

Ethan had strangely found himself outside of Resus. He was looking in at the patient he had previosuly abandoned. Robyn was taking obs, and she was the only one around.

He really wished she wasn't, and he really wished he wasn't the only one around too.

Mr Davidson's monitors went off - alerting the staff to a grave emergency. Robyn saw Ethan, and Ethan had no choice but to help.


	3. Chapter 3

He pushed open the door, confident that he wouldn't show any weakness and would be completely professional. He had to be to get on with his job. He was a doctor, and emotions weren't part of the job. Only good doctors would push their personal problems aside and forget about them, and Ethan was determined to be a good doctor. Today, above all days, was probably the most important. If he could treat this patient when his head was this fuzzy, then he could probably get through anything. He had to prove, mainly to himself, that he could do this.

"Are you okay to work?" Robyn asked quickly as she rushed around Mr Davidson.

Ethan was confused, how did she know? "Of course..."

"You said you weren't feeling well earlier," she mentioned skeptically.

"Oh, I'm perfectly fine now," he lied. "What's happened?" Ethan stepped closer to Mr Davidson and he started scanning him all over.

"He just went off - no warning. There's no spinal damage, no collapsed lung or anything. No pneumothorax..." she listed, grimacing.

Ethan screwed his eyes shut, practically reading through a medical textbook in his head. He had to think of anything and everything that could be wrong, that could lead to this man's possible, and very probable, death.

He opened his eyes again when a thought struck him. It would be very unlikely - granted - and Ethan wished it wasn't the case, but it could happen.

"At the crash, was he trapped?"

"For about half an hour according to the paramedics."

"Right, okay - um - he was the driver, correct?"

Robyn nodded.

"Alright, I'm taking a leap in the dark here..." He muttered, checking the man's neck and heart sound. "I think he has a cardiac tamponade." It made Ethan shiver just saying the word.

"Are you sure?" Robyn asked in shock, looking between Ethan and the patient.

"Positive. He has a pulsus paradoxus, his heart sounds are muffled, and he has an engorged neck vein - it's Beck's Triad. Chapter five of 'Weimar's medical textbook: volume 3'." Ethan could swear Robyn looked slightly impressed, but he had more pressing matters on hand. His patient would die if he didn't do anything, but he could already feel the nerves and the memories creeping back up on him.

"You alright to do this?" Ethan could hear the concern in her voice, and he subconsciously ran a hand over his side, before nodded hastily and preparing to do the same procedure on someone that had saved his life exactly a year before.

Everything was prepped, and Ethan had to do this. Neither he nor Robyn could leave Mr Davidson's side when he was in such a critical condition, but all Ethan felt like doing was running and hiding. Preferably somewhere where Cal wouldn't be able to find him (considering his brother seemed to know where he was most of the time).

He looked behind him and around him. He  _had_  to do this.

Ethan took a very deep breath in, and then released it slowly. He pushed all of the memories to the back of his mind and focused entirely on the task in hand. He blocked out most of the noise - apart from the essential noises that told him that Mr Davidson was dying in front of him - and started.

* * *

Cal didn't want to check up on Ethan, but the small chat he had with him wasn't exactly the most successful talk ever. He didn't know whether Ethan was in the right head space to work, but he couldn't push Ethan too far on a day like this one.

It felt wrong and Cal felt conflicted.

On the one hand, he wanted to let Ethan get on with his work so he didn't feel crowded. Maybe all Ethan needed was to take his mind off of the date and the guilt and the emotions and the feelings. On the other hand, he wanted to take Ethan home and sit with him and hug him and try and rid the guilt his little brother felt.

He didn't want to crowd Ethan, but he didn't want Ethan to let a patient down and maybe let a patient die.

Cal found himself outside of Resus, looking in on Ethan preparing something. He stood there for a few moments then realised what Ethan was preparing for. All Cal wanted to do was charge in there and stop Ethan - he could see Ethan's hands shaking, but just seeing all the equipment made his own blood run cold as his memory unearthed the image of his unconscious brother inches from death.

He placed his hand on the door, ready to push it open and save Ethan from what could be his idea of hell - but he found he couldn't move. His eyes were fixed on Ethan's movements and he realised Ethan was actually coping fairly well. From what he could see, Ethan wasn't crying. His hands were shaking, but not as much as before. It looked like he was keeping everything under control.

Cal doubted he could do that himself.

He gulped nervously, desperately trying to keep his emotions at bay while watching Ethan. He wanted to look away, he wanted to run away, but he was frozen in his place - staring at Ethan and the procedure he was carrying out like nothing could phase him.

Cal  _envied_  Ethan.

He never thought - and he didn't mean to be rude - that Ethan would be able to cope so well. If earlier was anything to go by anyway. But now, now it seemed like nothing in the world could phase him. It seemed like his mind was wiped and all he knew was how to do a pericardiocentesis and nothing else. How was that even possible?

If that was Cal in there, he knew he would break down there and then - he was nearly breaking down just watching it being done. It felt like Ethan was there all over again. It was like Ethan was dying and only Cal could save him.

He almost despised his little brother in this situation. He didn't mean to, but Ethan was holding it together so well and Cal was falling apart just watching the procedure.

He watched as cool, calm Ethan finished the pericardiocentesis and Cal finally found the energy to move away from Resus. He couldn't wrap his head around it. He thought he would be fine today - it was Ethan and Dixie and all the others that were involved in the crash that wouldn't have been - but he just found he wasn't up to it.

He walked to the men's and went to splash some water onto his face - only now realising his eyes were filled with tears and he had tear tracks on his cheeks. He didn't even realise he'd become so emotional just watching that procedure being done. It was all too real for Cal - the memories of doing that to his brother. Of watching his brother deteriorate and not coping until the last few seconds when it really mattered.

He knew he shouldn't be thinking about himself. Ethan was the person who was important.

* * *

After gaining some control over his emotions, Cal decided to find his brother and see how he was getting on. He had to push his own memories aside and concentrate on Ethan. After all, Ethan was the one who had suffered the most - Cal wasn't important.

He found his brother sitting in the peace garden, on a bench Ethan occupied a lot when he wanted to think. "I heard - saw - what you did on there." Cal mentioned, sitting beside Ethan.

"What?" The younger asked, turning towards Cal.

"The - er - pericardiocentesis." Cal shivered just saying it aloud. It wasn't as if he hadn't said it aloud before, and indeed in his own head, but the memories made everything just that little bit harder.

Ethan shrugged, "it was nothing."

Cal never did like Ethan's modesty. "Mate, you did a pericardiocentesis on the one year anniversary of when you had it done. That takes guts."

"Yes, but I wasn't awake last year - so it was no big deal." Ethan brushed off.

Cal wanted to contradict Ethan again, but decided against it. He didn't want to make Ethan upset, especially because he seemed so calm. "Okay, you can think like that."

Cal watched Ethan smile - knowing he'd won.

There was a moment of silence, and everything Cal had been holding back started to bubble to the surface. He wanted to tell his brother everything and nothing. He wanted to be held, but he wanted to hold Ethan. He wanted to cry, but he wanted to dry Ethan's tears. "I would never have been able to do it…" Cal admitted, looking to the ground instead of his brother.

For a few seconds, Cal thought Ethan wasn't going to answer him, then: "oh, Cal." Cal noticed something in Ethan's voice. It was almost like realisation. "I'm sorry… I was so wrapped up in myself that I never gave a thought to you." He looked apologetic, and that was the last thing Cal wanted to happen. "How - um - how are you holding up?"

He wanted to tell Ethan how scared he was, but he didn't want Ethan to worry. "I didn't expect you to give a thought to me, Ethan." Cal stated, shaking his head in dismissal. "This day is one hundred times harder for you then it is for me. After everything you went through last year-"

"-that doesn't matter. How are you?" Ethan persisted. "Honestly." He added on the end.

"I - er - well - er - honestly?" He wanted to lie to put Ethan's mind at rest, but there was something in Cal that meant lying wasn't an option. "Getting there." He said slowly.

Ethan nodded. "I know we never really talk about these things - but we're brothers. You can tell me the honest truth."

Lying definitely wasn't an option now, and Cal couldn't hold back any longer. "I just - it's hard, you know? Last year... you nearly died. I had to stand there, knowing there was only me who could save your life, and I froze. I just couldn't physically stick a needle in your chest." Cal ranted.

"Oh, don't worry about being descriptive," the younger joked.

Cal smiled. "You could have - Ethan, you could have died last year. I could have - well - I could have lost my little brother." He admitted carefully, being wary so he didn't upset Ethan.

Ethan smiled warmly. "I'm invincible, Caleb, you should know that by now."

Cal knew that as a fact, but he couldn't help saying, "who's the Knight here?"

For a moment, Cal thought Ethan would come back with something sensible. He didn't. "Yes, but I'm very  _Hardy._ "

Cal couldn't hide his grin. "That was awful!"

"Yours was no better!"

Their smiles soon turned into laughter, but Cal's soon stopped when he realised something very important.

"Are you - er - are you coming for a drink for Jeff after work?"

Cal saw Ethan inhale deeply and wondered if he should have said anything about Jeff, but sure enough, Ethan answered calmly. "I don't really know."

"You should, Eth. He would want you there - and - um - he wouldn't want you - well - he wouldn't want you being guilty."

"Since when did you stutter?" Ethan joked nervously.

"Ethan," said Cal seriously.

Ethan just shrugged.

" _'I know we never really talk about these things - but we're brothers.'_ " Cal quoted.

Cal saw Ethan take a deep, really deep, breath. "Well - I just don't know how to - it sounds stupid." He stated, shaking his head.

"No, go on." Cal ushered.

"I don't know how to  _stop_  feeling guilty. I thought everything was alright, and then today happens and everything piles on top again and it feels like last year all over again."

Cal knew there was a time when his efforts would fall short and he wouldn't know how to convince Ethan out of his mind set. It seemed that time had come. The best he could do was try old methods. "But you know it wasn't your fault, right?"

Ethan shrugged again.

"It might not help if I say this-"

"-then don't say it." Ethan interrupted, looking away from Cal.

"Eth, hear me out. It really wasn't your fault. Jeff was slow getting out of the van - and you were sideswiped. I'm sure it was your right of way. It wasn't even the other guy's fault. He was the one who caused the crash - and did you see him getting cuffed?"

"I was unconscious." Ethan joked lightly.

"Yeah, well -  _I_  didn't, and no one else did. Because he  _wasn't_! No one was arrested, it was no one's fault. No one made Jeff linger, no one made that guy crash into you."

"I was still driving, Caleb." He protested.

It was like a lightbulb had turned on inside of Cal's head - something he wished he'd thought of before. "So what?  _Lily_  was reading the map, she didn't know where to go. If it's your fault, then it has to be her fault too. Tess tried to help Lily, but she didn't know where to go either - so it's  _her_  fault as well. And if they weren't given the map, then you wouldn't have been going the wrong way, so you wouldn't have been sideswiped. So then it must be  _Connie's_  fault as well. So if Connie hadn't given Lily the map, and if Lily and Tess could find the way to go, then you wouldn't have been lost. If Ash had kept his seatbelt on - instead of trying to read the map, then he wouldn't have been trapped, so they wouldn't have had to spend extra time rescuing him, so it's  _Ash's_  fault as well. Jeff could have climbed out of the van quicker as well, so he caused his  _own_  downfall. Technically, it's practically  _everyone's_  fault." He raised his eyebrows towards his little brother.

Ethan took a moment to take it all in. "You're such an idiot sometimes."

"Am I right, or am I right?" Cal leaned back, practically watching the cogs in Ethan's mind work.

"But if I hadn't been driving-"

"-then someone else would have driven, but you'd still have the same problems with the map, causing the same problem with the seatbelt. The guy from the other car would still have been there, meaning he still would have sideswiped the van. Ash still would have been trapped... and so on and so fourth."

Cal watched as the corners of Ethan's mouth twitched upwards - resembling that of a smile.

"You make it sound so simple," he said, shaking his head.

"That's the point, Eth. It's as simple as pie. You aren't to blame."

Cal was expecting a long answer about how he was to blame, but all he received was a simple  _'fine'_  from his brother,

"Ethan Hardy, are you giving in?" Cal said in mock disbelief.

Ethan looked at Cal right in the eye. "Caleb Knight, I think I am."

Cal smiled. "Fully and completely?"

"Well - um - not quite yet - I don't think. This time next year, I think it will just be an ordinary date." Ethan said. He sounded so determined that Cal had no choice but to believe him. He really hoped Ethan was right, though.

"I'm happy for you, Eth." Cal stated truthfully,

"Yes, alright," Ethan brushed off. "This whole 'brotherly thing' is starting to make me feel queasy."

Cal smiled, he had the  _perfect_  response to that. "Only you would use the word 'queasy', Nibbles."

"That's more like it." Ethan laughed, then he paused. "Don't call me Nibbles."

Then they both started laughing.

* * *

"To Jeff," everyone chorused, drinking to the beloved paramedic.

Cal was pleased (if a little too pleased), that Ethan had decided to join everyone in the pub. It didn't take much persuasion on Cal's part, and Dixie seemed very happy to see Ethan. It seemed Ethan was trying his hardest to drag his own mind out of the pit of guilt, and Cal was more than happy to see that. He would, after all, hate to see his life-saving go to waste!

So, after the toast to Jeff, Cal made his way over to Ethan - who seemed to be avoiding everything by sitting in the corner. "Room for a little one?"

"Go ahead, Caleb." Ethan said, motioning opposite him.

Cal sat down, and smiled at his little brother. "You know, I'm glad, Ethan."

"I thought we left all that in the peace garden." Ethan stated, sipping his drink - obviously trying to avoid conversation.

"Yeah, well - what can I say? I like it every once in awhile."

Ethan looked stunned. "Okay - well - um - what do I say to that…?" He laughed.

"I'm just glad you're here, Ethan." Cal said seriously, sipping his own drink.

"I'm glad you're here too - even though you went awol for years." The younger joked, making both of them smile.

"To the good times." Cal raised his glass.

Ethan smiled and clinked his glass with Cal's. "To the good times."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who reviewed, favourited and followed this story! I'm so sorry this was posted extremely late, I may have accidentally forgotten a couple of passwords meaning I couldn't access fanfiction. Luckily I finally have it back, and I can get back to posting! Thank you again!


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